Understanding and Managing Anger During Separation and Divorce
Understanding and Managing Anger During Separation and Divorce
By Katie Woods, Breakup and Divorce Coach
When a relationship ends, especially a marriage, anger often shows up in full force. And while it may feel overwhelming, unpredictable, or even shameful, let me reassure you: anger is a normal and natural part of the healing process in breakup and divorce.
In fact, it’s one of the most common emotional responses I see in clients navigating divorce. The key is not to eliminate anger, but to understand it, honour it, and learn how to move through it in a healthy way.
Why Anger Shows Up in Divorce
Anger is often a mask for deeper emotions: betrayal, grief, powerlessness, fear. It might stem from broken promises, financial stress, custody battles, or the loss of your identity as a couple. Sometimes it’s fuelled by injustice; other times, it’s driven by pain.
What’s important to know is this: anger is a protective emotion. It arises to shield us from hurt. And when channelled constructively, it can actually serve as a catalyst for change and healing.
Common Myths About Anger
Let’s clear up a few misunderstandings:
"Anger means I'm bitter or vindictive." Not necessarily. Anger is a signal, not a sentence.
“I should be above this.” Emotional pain doesn’t respond to logic. Growth isn’t about avoiding anger, it’s about responding to it wisely.
“If I express anger, I’ll lose control.” Suppressing anger often leads to outbursts later. Learning how to express it safely is a sign of strength, not weakness.
How to Manage Anger During Breakups, Separation and Divorce
Here are some tools I offer clients to help manage anger in healthy, constructive ways:
Name It to Tame It
Start by acknowledging what you’re really feeling. Say it out loud or write it down: “I feel angry because I don’t feel heard.” Naming your emotions helps you process them instead of being consumed by them.
Move Your Body
Anger is a high-energy emotion. Physical movement, whether it’s a walk, run, or boxing class, can release some of that energy in a non-destructive way.
Set Boundaries
If your ex is triggering your anger, you may need firmer boundaries around communication, parenting schedules, or shared responsibilities. Boundaries are not about punishment; they’re about protecting your peace.
Use the 24-Hour Rule
Before firing off an angry text or email, give yourself 24 hours. What feels urgent in the heat of the moment often feels different with a little distance.
Find a Safe Outlet
Talking to a breakup and divorce coach allows you to vent and process your emotions in a healthy, judgment-free space. You don’t have to do this alone.
. Practice Compassion (Yes, Even When It’s Hard)
This doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour, but holding space for the reality that both of you are likely hurting. Compassion can be a powerful balm, especially when directed at yourself.
Final Thoughts
Anger is not a sign that you’re failing at healing. It’s a sign that you’re human.
Most of us have heard the expression 'Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die'
What matters is how you handle that anger, whether you let it control you or you choose to channel it into growth, clarity, and healthier decisions for your future. If left unmanaged, it can be incredibly detrimental to your healing and to those closest to you.
If you’re struggling with anger during your divorce, I want you to know: you’re not broken. You’re navigating one of life’s hardest transitions. And I can help you through it - step by step.
You are allowed to be angry. You are also capable of finding peace.
Book in a free call with me using the link below or email me to find out more.
